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Hypnotherapy, psychotherapy and counselling in Ludlow West Midlands, UK

It all comes down to this: One enters into psychotherapy because of feeling lost or stuck. One may feel this way or it may be evident in behaviour, but in any case that is the problem.
"Lost or stuck?" I hear a voice asking. "What has that to do with anxiety, depression, panic, phobias,  obsessive-compulsive disorder, adolescent rebellion, drug abuse, school phobia, wife beating, compulsive promiscuity, etc.?" The answer is: Everything.

When one enters psychotherapy, or is dragged into it by relatives, the common element among all these problems is that behaviour, feelings, thoughts, perceptions may seem irrational to others or oneself. We cannot understand why there are such feelings of anger, depression, obsession with triviality or fear of apparently nothing. There can be feelings of worthlessness and a conviction of being unworthy of love.

 Turning to behaviour, for example, life may be ruined by drugs or alcohol despite a desire to stop; there may be obsessive hand-washing until hands are raw, all the while knowing that this is pointless and self-destructive. Others may have been alienates by arrogant and supercilious attitudes, ruining chances for social and professional success, yet it is always easy to see such self-destructive patterns in others. Some people get into one masochistic relationship after another, each time swearing never to make that mistake again. Some experience breaking out into a cold sweat, with heart racing, perhaps being sick with fear when getting into an lift, yet  knowing all the statistics about how safe they really are.

It is possible for anyone to have lost track of something in oneself that is now driving apparently irrational behaviour, feelings, point of view. We may know we are unhappy, being more than smart enough to understand that our life isn’t working anymore, but for some reason we can’t change.  There is some other motivation, agenda, feeling, that draws us into these repeated patterns. If one could see what it is, one might be able to resist the impulse or to choose another means of expressing ourselves. Instead, we get lost in unproductive, unsatisfying, even self-destructive patterns of feelings and behaviour.

The same applies to squabbling couples, even to children and adolescents who seem to enjoy their misbehaviour. Somehow, there are hidden agendas causing behaviour and feelings which on the surface don't make much sense. The adolescent who steals and gets high all the time can usually understand that, although it feels good for the moment, his/her behaviour will get them nowhere that they want to be in life (although you usually can't get them to admit that out loud); the class clown may want the kids to laugh, but he usually wants the teacher to like him as well (you won’t hear that out loud, either); the school phobic child does want to join the other kids in school. But these people have lost track of themselves in some way. Desires, needs, motives, even thoughts and perceptions, lie just out of awareness, and they are influencing behaviour and feelings.

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Another Focus

It is not necessary to feel bad or desperate in order to benefit from psychotherapy. Major life changes may bring about a need to reassess one's goals and agendas. A psychotherapist can help you to explore realistically your personal potential and options. By engaging help to widen your horizons at times of transition you will find you can gain a deeper insight into what you really need to enable you to enjoy life.

We all have at least an intuitive sense of what a defence is. When we tell little Suzie to pick up a stray toy and she erupts with "I didn’t put it there!", when our school chum, Harry, treats Linda with extra coldness and disinterest while we all know he’s sweet on her, we speak of these behaviours as "defensive". What we mean is that the person is trying, in an especially obvious and graceless manner, to avoid the pain of, and at the same time maximize their control over, their uncomfortable spot. Suzie is feeling accused, put down, even humiliated; Harry fears rejection, humiliation, and a blow to his perhaps already tenuous self-esteem. Rather than acknowledge these unpleasant experiences, the two devote their energy to defence -- to protecting the self and self-esteem.

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Now imagine Harry is extra sensitive in this area, maybe because of his past history, maybe because of his inborn temperament, who knows. For whatever reason, he grows up always on the alert for this kind of humiliation. In response, he redoubles his bravado, behaving towards others with ever more disinterest, independence, "cool". The more uncomfortable he is the more aloof he acts. This sets up a vicious cycle, because those uncomfortable moments are precisely when he most needs reassurance -- and that’s just when he’s the least open and approachable. As his discomfort rises, then, he treats more and more people with indifference, even disdain. Perhaps he loses his job and must interview for a new one. With the added pressure and humiliation of needing approval from the people interviewing him, he becomes even more irritable and off-putting. Needless to say, no-one will hire him. He begins to rage inside at all the people who don’t appreciate or help him, ruminating on his anger to the point of losing sleep. To relieve the tension, he retreats nightly to marijuana, alcohol, and watching too much television late into the night. The rest of the time, he begins to suffer back pain and a nasty skin rash. Eventually whoever he lives with, can’t stand it any longer and leaves.

A personality that began as "defensive" has bloomed into one full of symptoms -- depression, drug abuse, various anxieties, insomnia, "personality problems", even paranoia. In extreme cases a doctor may diagnose Depressive Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Conversion Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder (it’s really called that), or several other possibilities.

So a symptom is an outgrowth of a defence. Defences protect us from unpleasant experiences, such as rejection, humiliation, and other assaults to our self-esteem. When these defences fail we tend to escalate our efforts. We develop new behaviours (Harry’s drug use), intensify old ones (initially just aloof or "cool", Harry becomes withdrawn and almost paranoid), or fall prey to irrational beliefs and feelings (such as phobias, panic attacks, Harry’s skin rash and  psychosomatic back pain). At some point all this becomes sufficiently perplexing or distressing that they are perceived as "symptoms". We might usefully think of symptoms as defences run amok.

Psychotherapy is rational and accessible. It is not some esoteric, un-definable, mystical process that only some people can grasp, a faith that only converts believe in and others do not. It is a logical process which anyone can understand and follow. There is no reason for anything in a session to be unreasonable or mysterious. On the contrary, in good psychotherapy every step should make complete sense to you, the patient. You may end up in strange territory, but it should be entirely clear to you how you got there.

This notion that facts and logic drive the psychotherapeutic process goes a long way in countering the flood of abstract, even bizarre hypotheses that can clutter and confuse us when we try to think about what makes us tick. You may have heard yourself or others wondering "Maybe I sabotage myself", "Maybe I resent my wife", "Maybe I don't want to be the boss", "Maybe I'm afraid of commitment", "Maybe I need a vacation", "Maybe I'm the type of person who ...", "Maybe I'm a compulsive, an addict, a depressive, a type A, a type B, a ..." One can only answer, "maybe the sky turns green every time you stop looking at it"; the only way to know is to back up and look at the facts.

Facts are not only external, but include your feelings, your reactions, your perceptions. In sessions, it will be important for you to take an active role in trying on yours and your therapist’s ideas. If he suggests that in your description of an argument with your wife that you sound like a tantrum child who didn’t get his way, it is only you who can decide if that is indeed what you are doing. The most important proof that an interpretation or suggestion from either side of the room is correct is your reaction to it. And right or not, if you can’t benefit from it, it’s worthless.

Psychotherapy is a dialog. It is not a teaching session. You present data, the therapist offers ideas about that data, as well as his own data -- his feelings, his past experience, his own theories -- then you pick up the ball, and so on. Has the therapist helped you discover truth about yourself, your life, your feelings -- and is this material helping you make the changes you want -- or is he up a tree? If the latter, you must speak up. No therapist will be right all the time, of course, and it may be that your expectations for change are unrealistic or misguided. You have to sort this out together. But the final word is yours. Your therapist can tell you what’s probably going on with you, what seems to be happening, but it is only you who can say if he is right. Without your active testing of the material, psychotherapy degenerates into a thought experiment, a series of entertaining speculations and psychobabble that have no impact on your life, your behaviour, your feelings.

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